That Guy At The Bar

We all know that guy at the bar. This guy’s main issue is picking up women. That guy at the bar will spend way too much time at home getting ready for his night out. His clothes are carefully picked out, hair perfectly gelled, cologne properly dabbed (always too much, of course), and he has to have a drink or two to take the edge off. Finally, he is ready to go.

As that guy at the bar arrives, he checks to make sure he has everything: money, ID, gum, sample-size cologne, fake Tag watch. He walks in and immediately gets a drink (again, for the edge). That guy at the bar usually takes a welcome lap around the bar. He acts like he is just saying hi to all his friends but in actuality he is checking out the talent. He makes mental notes on his 1st through 3rd round prospects. He may even attempt to identify his sleeper pick- the poor girl he believes would be his take-home pick if all else fails. However, usually this is done on his third trip to the bathroom. Keep in mind, none of his picks ever sign. But that doesn’t keep that guy at the bar from trying.

Throughout the night, that guy at the bar shallowly does and says things that are a manifestation of something quite deeper. If indeed he is able to catch a girl on a bad night- perhaps on the rebound, or extremely drunk, or maybe she is that girl at the bar- it will only mend the deeper issue; like putting a band-aid on a broken leg, that guy at the bar improperly dresses the wound of a broken heart. This is that guy at the bar.

You may know him as…

Suit And Tie Guy

He still has his suit and tie on and talks on his cell phone the whole time like he is striking a 1.2 million dollar shipment overseas.

No Game Guy

He is the guy that stands in the corner and does not approach the hot girl that every other guy is drooling over. He’s playing it cool. But in reality isn’t this guy just another cat with no game?

Hit On Waitress Guy

This guy hits on every waitress and then talks about what a skank she is when she rejects him. Also, he complains about the price and alcohol content of every drink.

Wants To Be Life Of The Party Guy

This guy will try to talk everyone into leaving the bar at 1:45 because he knows the owner at the local strip club and can get you free dances. He wears jeans that are bleached with fire decals. He has no neck and no money yet claims to own a huge concrete company that only does work for Home Depot and Wal-mart. He drives an electric blue Dodge Ram and he has glossy ears from all the gel in his hair.

CB Guy

(Otherwise known as Carlos Baerga or Carlos Beltran or Charles Barkley or Charles Bronson) This guy will let you spend all night trying to get in there with a girl and then slip in unnoticed, while you go to the bathroom, and try to salt your game.

For example…

"Hi, how's it goin', I see you've met Kirk, yeah he's a pretty good guy. He's got a real cool girlfriend too. Girlfriend? Yeah, they've been dating for a couple of months."

Even if you don't have a girlfriend, CB guy will make it seem like you do.

Same Story Guy

He always says he met a hot girl at the bar last night. Of course you did, why wouldn’t you? You're telling the story.

Frequent Going To The Bathroom Guy

He seems to go every ten minutes to check his hair, reapply cologne, or just an excuse to make the rounds.

Wears His Little Brother’s Shirt Guy

What? Laundry day? Couldn’t find any in your size?